31

If you don't want wallowing or self pity I suggest this isn't the post for you. I just need to get my thoughts out somewhere.

 Yesterday was my birthday, as an adult that doesn't really mean much unless it is a big one, and I must say I'm not one for massive dos even when it is a big birthday. However it had me thinking a lot, not about age or getting older, but about friends and people who were. I struggle a lot with friendships, I have been ditched so often. I'm not talking about the ones where things naturally drift, or your paths take different courses, that is just life. I'm talking about the ones who just stop returning your texts or emails, the ones who are suddenly never free, the ones where you have to do all the leg work. I actually prefered the one guy when we were 18 who had the guts to tell me he didn't want to be in touch any more. At least you know where you stand and can move on rather then just wondering what you did wrong and why I'm such a crappy person that people like to ditch.

I am struggling with feeling inadequate, in so many different areas of my life. I have some lovely friends, and a great bunch of old school friends, but there are some old friendships I'm still struggling over. The people I miss no longer exist, they have moved on and are very different people from the ones I knew most likely, just as I am a different person, so why does it still hurt so much sometimes? I think when I'm feeling stretched in other areas of my life a lot of old feelings rear their ugly head about me just being this dull but dependable person who isn't actually good enough but will always be there for you in a crisis.

I want to be enough, as a friend, a wife, a mother, a daughter. Yet this morning I sobbed in my 4 year olds arms as I can't let go infront of anyone else for the fear of being let down again. He does give the best cuddles, even when he's pushed me to the edge with sleep fight and refusal and shouted poo in my face one too many times for me to actually keep calm. I may not always be the best mummy, sometimes, especially with the elder, it is extremely hard work, but I'm so so glad I have them.