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If you don't want wallowing or self pity I suggest this isn't the post for you. I just need to get my thoughts out somewhere.

 Yesterday was my birthday, as an adult that doesn't really mean much unless it is a big one, and I must say I'm not one for massive dos even when it is a big birthday. However it had me thinking a lot, not about age or getting older, but about friends and people who were. I struggle a lot with friendships, I have been ditched so often. I'm not talking about the ones where things naturally drift, or your paths take different courses, that is just life. I'm talking about the ones who just stop returning your texts or emails, the ones who are suddenly never free, the ones where you have to do all the leg work. I actually prefered the one guy when we were 18 who had the guts to tell me he didn't want to be in touch any more. At least you know where you stand and can move on rather then just wondering what you did wrong and why I'm such a crappy person that people like to ditch.

I am struggling with feeling inadequate, in so many different areas of my life. I have some lovely friends, and a great bunch of old school friends, but there are some old friendships I'm still struggling over. The people I miss no longer exist, they have moved on and are very different people from the ones I knew most likely, just as I am a different person, so why does it still hurt so much sometimes? I think when I'm feeling stretched in other areas of my life a lot of old feelings rear their ugly head about me just being this dull but dependable person who isn't actually good enough but will always be there for you in a crisis.

I want to be enough, as a friend, a wife, a mother, a daughter. Yet this morning I sobbed in my 4 year olds arms as I can't let go infront of anyone else for the fear of being let down again. He does give the best cuddles, even when he's pushed me to the edge with sleep fight and refusal and shouted poo in my face one too many times for me to actually keep calm. I may not always be the best mummy, sometimes, especially with the elder, it is extremely hard work, but I'm so so glad I have them.

Crafty updates

I finally have a picture of my finished crocodile shawl, it is lovely and snuggly. This picture doesn't really show it's beauty but I am really pleased with it.

This week I have started a blanket for a friends little boy, the husband calls it the blockbusters blanket. I'm making this in women's institute premium acrylic and I think it may be my new favourite cheap acrylic. It is much less squeeky then the hayfield bonus, and I go it 3 for 2 at hobby craft so this will be a bargain project.

And I have just finished a little dress for rainbow. I decided to do this in the two colours rather then one like the pattern and I think it has worked well.

Sneaky peak

Not for me.

I heard back about the job yesterday, I didn't get it. It was for a breastfeeding support worker post, apparently 40 people applied and they only interviewed 7 of us. In good news though one of my friends did get it and she will be fantastic. I will be a member of the volunteer group though.

So what now? Just potter on as I did before I guess. I don't know where I am headed but we will just wait and see. I thought it was worth a try but oh well. I felt fine about it yesterday, today i feel a bit more upset. I think I am just in one of those stages of life where I feel like I am doing not enough and I'm struggling a bit.

Change?

I had an interview today. It is only for a part time job, 10-3 four days of the week, but this would be a big big change for me. I don't hear back until Thursday, so for now it is just waiting.

I wasn't intending to apply for a job just yet, but this was for a part time job I would love to do with great hours. I think it went ok, I feel happy, but I know there is stiff competition, and I know I fumbled a bit at times.

So wait wait wait.

So I'm here

So I'm here again, and this time it hasn't been too long. I have had not much brain power for my long term knitting projects, but crochet seems to be the thing of the moment. Quick basic things I can do whilst watching the winter Olympics. I love the Olympics, but it is a little disheartening watching the figure skating and seeing an astounding 15 year old and realising I am twice her age. I always wanted to be an ice dancer when I was a little girl.

Anyway back to the crochet. First a very quick shawl. I was off to a charity ball in aid of Mummy's star, a fabulous charity that supports people who are diagnosed with cancer during or shortly after pregnancy. I was a last minute replacement for someone who couldn't make it, so I found an outfit out from the back of the wardrobe but given it is February I needed something to cover my shoulders. This is yarn I have had for a long time, lined up for something else, but the tealy green perfectly matched the colour of my corset and so it was meant to be. A very quick one day project that now makes a lovely triangular scarf for every day.

Then there is my latest project. I decided my crochet needed to branch out a little, so I taught myself crocodile stitch, which I love, but is an absolute yarn eater! The yarn is King Cole Country Tweed and it is just perfect for this.

And the other thing that has currently had a bit of my time has been my long term blanket project. This is just cheap Hayfield and Wilkos acrylic, but one day this will cover my bed.

I think I just need things to keep myself busy with the weather having been so very wet and windy. Fortunately we have not had any floods or damage where I live, but the weather has been wild. I have been busy with odd bits of diy and trying to get on top of all the housework too but I just need that bit of me time. I miss those crisp cold bright winter mornings, we have had so very few of them. However at least we got out today in a break in the rain and the boys got to cycle off some of their energy.

Anyway, until next time, let's just hope for a little sun!

It's been a while

I hadn't decided what to do with this blog, if anything, so it has sat here neglected for quite some while.

At the moment I feel like posting, so we will see what happens.

This morning was spent on a bit of a wander after the boys had been dropped at school. Happy feet has just started preschool so it gives me a couple of hours free every morning. I mean to spend them productively, so far they have mainly been spent in coffee shops and bed, but I have good intentions. This morning though I just went for a short walk while the weather was dry.

A bit of reflection time, and a bit of peace.I love being able to retreat to the reservoirs just behind our house.

One of the things I mean to do now that I have a bit of free time is to finish off some of my knitting projects. I think I have a few too many things on the go and lined up and I want to get on top of it all. So this week was spent finishing off a hoody for Lightning. This is a very guilty project as I knitted all the pieces over a year ago, I just hadn't put them together as I had made a slight mistake on the hood. However hood rectified and sewing up done and I actually really like this.

Another recent finish has been this little cardigan. I made this a couple of weeks ago for a baby girl I will call Rainbow. She is a friends foster baby and I have completely fallen in love. There is just something about her that really melts my heart in a way, I think I need to make sure I don't fall too far in love, she is a beautiful little girl. Anyway, so here is a cardigan for Rainbow. I'm sure it will only for for 5 minutes as they grow so fast, but I thought it was very cute.

And finally for now as it is school pick up time, here is a part of a secret Santa gift I got this year. I actually know it originally came from one of my readers Arwen, but I know she wasn't my Santa, just the source. It was a yarn dying kit with Kool aid. I love it, even if it isn't the most expertly dyed. I have found a pattern so hopefull will start knitting it up soon. Just need to finish one more thing off first.

So that's all for now. But I may be back soon with a little bit more.